Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 9, 2010

I Hate Myself Sometimes.

I battle depression. I’m not crazy. I’m not dumb. I don’t want to die, but I often feel like I want to take my own life. I am not dangerous to anyone but myself. I don’t need to be taught a lesson. I don’t need to be ridiculed. I don’t need to be taken advantage of because I am vulnerable and reach out to the wrong people sometimes. I don’t want to be shunned or told I am ranting or upsetting you. If my depression upsets you. what the hell do you think it’s doing to me? You can walk away. I live with it.

I do need real friends who care about me, not fair weather friends who are only there when I please them but vanish when I am too depressing. I do need someone to understand that I don’t want to feel this way and would give my eyesight to feel happy again. I do want someone who cares enough to actually miss me. I also need someone to pick me up when I fall, hug me when I cry and tell me I am worth loving. Right now I don’t feel I am.

If you are one of those people who declares how compassionate you are towards those with depression, yet you scorn us when our depression kicks in, I wish you would stay away. If you are someone who loves my company when I am funny and delightful to be with, but you back away when my heart is breaking, then please don’t start anything with me. I don’t want you in my life.

What I do want is for people to finally get it, that sometimes my actions are controlled by my illness and not by logic. I want people to understand that depression can take away ones ability to see life clearly. Our judgment becomes clouded. We will often think the worst or become too emotional. It doesn’t make us less human, just a poor soul who is fighting for our lives and trying to make sense of it all.

We want to be happy. We don’t know how. We want to hope and have faith but after being used and let down so many times, we have none. We want to look forward to tomorrow but we fear it will be just like today, full of despair and self hatred with no real hope for anything more. Our pain is real. It can’t be taken away by pain killers or I’d be the first to try them. Morphine doesn’t work for us only psycho pharmaceuticals work and they have side affects such as the inability to sleep, dizzy spells, drowsiness, lack of libido, weight gain, and a flat lined emotional state where you feel very little about anything. Sometimes they cause short term memory lapses. They can be a life saver, but at a cost.

Right now I often feel that people expect me to feel guilty for this curse that has a grip on me. That I should apologize for living . That I am wrong to be depressed. Do I make you apologize for the way you feel? Do I ask you to change yourself for me so that I can get along better with you? That’s what people do to me as if I can change instantly.

Depression is an illness just like any other illness. It is a chemical imbalance. You don’t blame me because my thyroid is not working as it should, do you? You wouldn’t blame my mother because she was diabetic would you? You wouldn’t blame my friend because she has crohns disease. Then why blame those of us who suffer with depression? Because it’s an illness of the brain and mind and perception? You don’t have to understand it, you only have to accept that some people suffer from it. If you think it can’t happen to you, think again. It can happen to anyone.

Isn’t it time the ignorance stops?


Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 7, 2010

I Wish I Could Change, But It’s Easier Said Than Done

I have suffered from depression since before I knew what it was. However, severe depression, like I have now, is far from having the blues, or feeling sad. It is a condition that can render you helpless and you feel that dark place all the time, even if, like me, you can put on your stage face if you want to hide how you feel.

How many people suffer that you are not even aware? If you battle depression there is not anything that would make it go away and we feel at times, guilty for being this way, but really angry too when people just don’t understand where we are coming from. People can be cruel and say all the standard things they say that only make us feel worse. Yes we can come up for air sometimes, like I have right now and am able to even write about depression. Then we go way back down, sometimes even before we are aware of it ourselves. We perk up briefly over things at times, like a kind word spoken, or , for me watching a child at play or even an animal going about his business but amusing you and they are not even aware of anything they’ve done. Talking to a friend can momentarily cheer you, but then you go right back to that oh so sad place you usually stay. I can assure you that nobody chooses to be depressed.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 5, 2010

I Finally Admit It…i’m Depressed

Where to start? I’m new at all this, but I’m so very tired of facing things on my own, so I wanted to share my story with others and hopefully find a bit of support.

I suffer from depression. There, I said it. One of the most difficult things for me has been to admit this in the first place, even to myself, but it’s true. I guess I had to admit the truth when I found myself completely unable to get out of bed in the morning, and (as a ‘grown man’) sobbing uncontrollably in the shower or in my bedroom. Only at this point did I realise I was actually ill, and went to see the doctor.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 3, 2010

It Feels Like The Darkness Will Never Lift

I’ve always suffered from depression but generally I cycle in and out. I’m an extremely sensitive person and am greatly affected by things around me. So even when I’m depressed I’ve been able to come out of it when something good was happening. These things could be small. A cute puppy, a smile from a baby, a sunny day, nature, even a pleasant exchange from a stranger. Lately however, nothing seems to lift my spirit. My passion has completely died. It’s like the light has gone out and I don’t know how to get it back.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 1, 2010

Done It Again

Last night I tried to overdose. I have too many things to deal with. I am out of touch with my own feelings and reality at times. I have a contract out on me, my wife and part of my life has been taken from me also. I still suffer from torture as a child from my father, and there just are things that I can not deal with.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | November 29, 2010

Was I Ever Really Down and Blue?

How did eight mental health care professionals mix it up and diagnose me incorrectly for more than a decade of my battle with mental illness?

In retrospect, it was easy. And boy, did it mess me up from age eighteen until I turned thirty years old. “I’d like to thank to each and every one of my doctors for screwing up,” I told an audience of mental health care professionals a while back – – jokingly of course. After all, that was fair. I played a huge part in my diagnosis and my treatment and I was responsible for the misdiagnosis, too. I wasn’t really giving any of these doctors the “complete picture” – – I misreported my symptoms, my activities and generally my behavior when I wasn’t depressed. I left out a complete “side” of my mental illness.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | November 27, 2010

Emma Thompson Admits Past Depression

Emma Thompson Admits Past Depression

Nanny McPhee star Emma Thompson has revealed that in the past she suffered from depression.

in vitro fertilization, she says she become so depressed that she could not bathe herself or change her clothes.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | November 25, 2010

The Stigma

There is a reason the subject of mental illness is so vitally important to me. I know it intimately. Having lived with chronic clinical depression most of my life, I’ve learned to deal with it, to function, to manage. In that way, depression is similar to alcoholism, another topic I know a great deal about. Just like I’m not sure people realize how many seemingly well functioning alcoholics there are, I doubt they see past the barriers we erect to simply make it through another day, depressed. I’ve told my story in other posts so I’ll try not to repeat myself here. I’ll tell another part of the story, the part I don’t talk about openly.

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Posted by: Jim Laurie | November 23, 2010

I Get No Relief!

I have had a low level depression since my early thirties. I was prescribed every anti-depressant known to man but never got much better. Five years ago, i weaned myself off as I wanted to see what was underneath after taking my meds for so long. At first, I didn’t feel any different but after about 6 months, I was a wreck! I went to a new doctor that I knew and trusted and for the past 5 years we have been able Read More…

Posted by: Jim Laurie | November 21, 2010

Heath Ledger Suffered From Depression, Insomnia, Addiction

Heath Ledger

Aussie actor Heath Ledger, star of the gay romance movie “Brokeback Mountain”, suffered from depression, insomnia and addiction, according to reports from Australian newspapers The Courier-Mail and the Herald Sun.

A source interviewed by the Herald Sun said, “Heath was shattered by his split from Michelle. He became a recluse. He barely slept. He was dealing with terrible mood swings.”

“He adored his daughter, Matilda”, said the source, “and when Michelle called it quits he missed Matilda so much that he was thrown into a deep, dark depression.”

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