Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 7, 2010

I Wish I Could Change, But It’s Easier Said Than Done

I have suffered from depression since before I knew what it was. However, severe depression, like I have now, is far from having the blues, or feeling sad. It is a condition that can render you helpless and you feel that dark place all the time, even if, like me, you can put on your stage face if you want to hide how you feel.

How many people suffer that you are not even aware? If you battle depression there is not anything that would make it go away and we feel at times, guilty for being this way, but really angry too when people just don’t understand where we are coming from. People can be cruel and say all the standard things they say that only make us feel worse. Yes we can come up for air sometimes, like I have right now and am able to even write about depression. Then we go way back down, sometimes even before we are aware of it ourselves. We perk up briefly over things at times, like a kind word spoken, or , for me watching a child at play or even an animal going about his business but amusing you and they are not even aware of anything they’ve done. Talking to a friend can momentarily cheer you, but then you go right back to that oh so sad place you usually stay. I can assure you that nobody chooses to be depressed.

Many who battle these “down” feelings are not even lucky enough to go to a doctor or be on any medication for this. Even when you are, like me, and are put on medication for it have a touch and go time while the doctor finds the med that works for you. Even then, I have not experienced much improvement, .but we can be a lot worse if we did not take the medication at all.

Depression has many forms of itself, from mild, and hopefully temporary, to chronic and never feeling very happy about anything. Sometimes the chronic form can be dealt with so that we can go about our lives, and do what is expected of us. If it is a severe form of depression, you find yourself in a hole you cannot crawl out of, even if you get a “spark” to try. Nothing can get through it, it’s like an iron curtain between you and others, and nobody can help you , especially yourself. It can render you helpless to do the most ordinary things such as cleaning yourself up, cleaning up your .surroundings, (if you are chronically depressed you can force yourself to do these little things. But if your depression is severe, you are helpless to do anything that might help you feel better.

Luckily, a lot of severely depressed people can at times get off thier rear ends to at least take a stab making things better, but then it’s right back down again. I feel thankful I can even write this at the moment, because too often I just sit here and find solace on the computer, (sometimes you can’t even do that) and we can’t even muster enough energy to do things we actually like to do. It’s just too much trouble. And often, when this happens, we get
even more depressed.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in one’s body, it is not all in your head. To people who think it is, you’d be surprised to know how many of us who are depressed only feel it in our heads too, even though that’s not the case. If you are mild to moderately depressed, you may find relief after getting on medication that balances those chemical imbalances. To those of you who suffer severe depression, I know you, and my heart goes out to you.

To anyone who does not suffer severe depression, please know that we do not choose to be this way. Some of us fight and fight and finally just sit down to die. That’s what I did, just threw up my hands and said enough already, nothing is ever going to get better. I found EP when I was looking for help with ADHD and I kept coming back, even if I got upset at times. I am better but far from over it and to all of you who suffer like I do, I want you to know that I care. I know you do the best you can. And you and I most definitely don’t want people who do not know try to fix us. But we do appreciate your understanding or if nothing else, just keeping your mouths shut.

Even my faith does not take the depression away but it comforts me. I feel momentarily better that I was able to write this for other eyes to see. People who suffer depression cannot speak up most of the time. Because I suffer from ADHD I can speak up too much. Or activiity can go right by me unoticed. I can be a walking contradiction which really gets me into trouble, but the underlying depression is what the battle is mostly about.

Remember this, you happy people!!! To those who are not, I want you to know I understand.



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