Posted by: Jim Laurie | December 9, 2010

I Hate Myself Sometimes.

I battle depression. I’m not crazy. I’m not dumb. I don’t want to die, but I often feel like I want to take my own life. I am not dangerous to anyone but myself. I don’t need to be taught a lesson. I don’t need to be ridiculed. I don’t need to be taken advantage of because I am vulnerable and reach out to the wrong people sometimes. I don’t want to be shunned or told I am ranting or upsetting you. If my depression upsets you. what the hell do you think it’s doing to me? You can walk away. I live with it.

I do need real friends who care about me, not fair weather friends who are only there when I please them but vanish when I am too depressing. I do need someone to understand that I don’t want to feel this way and would give my eyesight to feel happy again. I do want someone who cares enough to actually miss me. I also need someone to pick me up when I fall, hug me when I cry and tell me I am worth loving. Right now I don’t feel I am.

If you are one of those people who declares how compassionate you are towards those with depression, yet you scorn us when our depression kicks in, I wish you would stay away. If you are someone who loves my company when I am funny and delightful to be with, but you back away when my heart is breaking, then please don’t start anything with me. I don’t want you in my life.

What I do want is for people to finally get it, that sometimes my actions are controlled by my illness and not by logic. I want people to understand that depression can take away ones ability to see life clearly. Our judgment becomes clouded. We will often think the worst or become too emotional. It doesn’t make us less human, just a poor soul who is fighting for our lives and trying to make sense of it all.

We want to be happy. We don’t know how. We want to hope and have faith but after being used and let down so many times, we have none. We want to look forward to tomorrow but we fear it will be just like today, full of despair and self hatred with no real hope for anything more. Our pain is real. It can’t be taken away by pain killers or I’d be the first to try them. Morphine doesn’t work for us only psycho pharmaceuticals work and they have side affects such as the inability to sleep, dizzy spells, drowsiness, lack of libido, weight gain, and a flat lined emotional state where you feel very little about anything. Sometimes they cause short term memory lapses. They can be a life saver, but at a cost.

Right now I often feel that people expect me to feel guilty for this curse that has a grip on me. That I should apologize for living . That I am wrong to be depressed. Do I make you apologize for the way you feel? Do I ask you to change yourself for me so that I can get along better with you? That’s what people do to me as if I can change instantly.

Depression is an illness just like any other illness. It is a chemical imbalance. You don’t blame me because my thyroid is not working as it should, do you? You wouldn’t blame my mother because she was diabetic would you? You wouldn’t blame my friend because she has crohns disease. Then why blame those of us who suffer with depression? Because it’s an illness of the brain and mind and perception? You don’t have to understand it, you only have to accept that some people suffer from it. If you think it can’t happen to you, think again. It can happen to anyone.

Isn’t it time the ignorance stops?



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