My own personal little hell

Heylos everyone, I have no idea why i make this thread about my self, maybe its good to get it out in the open i honestly dont know..

My problem is simply im losing control over my self, and recently it has gotten so much out of hand.

Let me start from the begining, i was always a loner up to 7th grade it all actually started in the late kindergarden, i was picked on by quite a few, now iv always had a short temper, wich means there were a lot of fighting going on. When i got into elementary school, it was the older guys who bugged me quite some, my response to this is the same that i had created in kindergarden, if you really mess them up, they will leave you alone. Naturally there were plenty of times were i had several people against me, and got my ass kicked, but with violence i guess it was my own survival tool.

I never could pay attention in school, i rarely did any homework or studied for any tests. I just hated the whole school idea from the first day i were there, even tho after beeing with my class i made quite a few friends and it started feeling better once we hit 7th grade.

From 8th grade and up to 10th it was all okay, iv gotten quite a rep as a trouble kiddo but i wasnt picked on at all and life in general was pretty okay, the problems first started of at home at this age, mom and my stephdad had relationship issues, mom were cheating on him and he would go of drunk and violent, kicking me and my older brothers ass quite severly at times, more than that he also emotionally brought us down. We were both quite messed up after dealing with that a few years.

My brother was just like me, he always hated school too, and like me he would ditch going and not pay attention at all. After argueing about it so much with mom and stephdad he finally snapped, ran away and found something new, this something new was the gang enviroment, and that was where he picked up hes new friends. They would do small crimes, such as stealing, fightin in public, graffiti, sometimes collect for others and druggs. Even tho i had the chanse to run away into that i didnt, i hated the whole idea of it and that my brother went into it just made another worry for me.

Even tho i did not join him and hes friends i was little by little over time influenced by it, because eventually these guys turned into my friends when he brought them around the house so much. That aside i was having enough of school, family the whole life in general. Most of all i was tired of getting beatings at home, and these friends brought some kind of secuirty around the whole deal. Even tho it tok me into doing quite a few bad deeds. I tok a year of after 10th grade, quite frankly i couldnt handle more school, and joined up with my brother full time, now after living on the wrong side of the law over time i started regreting what we had done, i felt like a jerk. So i left that enviroment, my brothers still in it today tho.

Now beeing surroundet by my friends who were pretty normal good guys the security at home disapeared, and with my brother mostly gone, i was the one taking the beatings, iv been sent to the hospital quite a few times from those. And little by little i was getting more and more depresed, until i reached the point of suicide, iv had about 12 serrious suicide attempts, countless of non serrious ones. After mom found out, we agreed i could talk to a psychologist, this guy really changed my life, he made me feel wurthy again, gave me confidence, and actually got me back in school the next year.

Luckily my stephdad and mom broke up, but she aswel suffers from depresion at this day, and alcoholic problems. But its better to deal with that than dealing with my stephdad.

Things were going really great for me, mom divorced my stephdad and for the first time of my life i wanted to go to school, i made top grades, didnt ditch classes, got the right kind of friends, and had great success with girls. Until one day something i did not expect happend, i was beeing picked on by a what i like to call hotshot type, iv always hated them because they were the ones pickin on me from an early age, now i still had a little bit of gang attitude left, so it endet up with him and a large group of other guys nearly killed me.

Ofcourse it got a big case out of it with cops and everything. I had to drop out of school and got severe anxiety for going outside. This caused my deathwish to come back. I also have quite a lot of anxiety attacks, not so much now as i did then but usally have them 3-4 times a week. Anyway now i felt humiliated and wurthless that i couldnt go to school anymore because it was in this hotshots area. He tok what i valued most from me, it still sits real deep into me.

When my brother heard about what happend, he went into a rage, gathering up hes old gang and wanted to actually do a good old fashion murder. I told him that those days were over, i dont want him involved, im done with violence and most of all im done with gang shit.

That said, it did had its price not dealing with it, i felt like my pride was broken, and after my suicide attempts got worse, i eventually endet up in a mental hospital for a period of time. To be honest im all exhausted from talkin to psychatrist/psychologist, doctors and all other form of therapy.

Thats about 8 months ago now, but the real bad part for me now a days is, if im out in for instance a bar and things are good alot of dancing, hookin up, socialising, i cant help but searchin for hotshot guys nearby. Once i see one i keep one eye on what im doin and my other on him, at all times.. I feel like i have to hurt him and he really deserves it, i know that sounds pretty fucked up.

It got quite out of hand up until recently, iv noticing im challenging faith more and more. And if you mix alcohol into the picture it gets really ugly, i endet up following 3 guys who were walkin home, they have been actin like idiots all night pushing people around, i was quite drunk and then i just snapped.. after following them for 5 mins i ran up on them knocked the middle guy out, and crushed the other guys nose, the third guy just started running.

After i returned home and cooled down.. havnt told any friends or anyone about that episode really because it just sounds sick when i think about it. But now even in normal public places i still feel the need to hurt those hotshot types, and i dont wanna do anythin stupid to mess my life up more than it already is.. So there you go, quite a long story so thanks for reading and sorry for typos.

Any advice or ways to deal with it is greatly appriciated : )

Source: http://www.takethislife.com/depression-stories/my-own-personal-little-hell-38251/